You don’t know what this is doing to me. Little by little its getting harder and harder. I feel defeated. You’re fine and out on your own and I’m still confused with the thought of us and how the fuck we got to this point. You were everything. My love my best friend, and now I’m going crazy cause you’re nowhere to be found. What happened. I told you my tongue is sharp when I’m angrier and I’m sorry. I never meant for things to get this way. I never wanted to loose you. Now look at me, I’m pouring my heart out for people to see, because I’m careless, I’m hurt, I’m angry, and because I miss you and no one understands that. People keep telling me how to feel and overtime it makes me angrier. I’ve turned to a computer screen to talk about it because I know he can’t talk back to me. I miss you so much. I’m sorry.
I’ll recover. I hope I recover. My heart is bleeding.
I guess sometimes loving each other isn’t really enough to keep you together. Eventually you run out of things to talk about, I mean it’s easy to just jump to the whole “what are you doing?” or “how was your day?” but at some point you can’t continue on with just those small conversations. I just don’t know how to make it last, how to keep it growing. Sometimes the distance isn’t the problem because we can keep trying but even then being distant and feeling distant are two different things. I can’t picture myself without you. You’re the nicest, sweetest, most sincere guy I know and when you want to be you can be a total pain in my ass and be so dominant which is okay because I love that about you. Maybe the flame is running out and maybe we just have to add more fuel to the fire or should we just let it run out.
I do this to just about everyone, in fact everyone does this to just about everyone, or at least one person. We push and we push and we push, we push as much as we can, as hard as we can, as far as we can until we reach this small point that we’ve created and label it “enough”. I don’t know why I do it. I mean maybe I do but I’m so not even ready to dive into all the personal issues that lead me to my actions. I can say sorry a million and one times but does that mean there’s a small point that is labeled “enough” for that too? I mean, I really am sorry. I will forever remain sorry for the people that put up with my bullshit. I will forever remain sorry for the people that love me and find it hard to let go because I really can’t find a way to change. If we dig deeper it might be a whole lot more understandable but I don’t think I’ve ever been given a motive to do just that. I know that Justin should be my motive, I know that he doesn’t deserve the wrath of a millions just because of Jonas. I mean they’re two different people. Justin has given me a million and one reasons to believe that there are good guys. That they’re not all the same but I feel so stupid because I look for reasons to run him over and time and time again I push him further and further away. I’m sorry my love. I don’t know how long it will take for this to change and I don’t know how long you’re willing to wait and I know I can only continue to try and give it my all but I don’t know how much of that is enough for you. You’re my hero. You’re so much more than you could ever begin to fathom. I won’t ever give up on us. Loyalty, respect, honesty, and more is all I can give you and that is all I expect in return. I love you Justin Jacob Lee Jimenez. ♥